Do not attempt to move furniture unless you are wearing close-toed shoes, my Geeky darlings! Yes, I have plenty of nerd-tastic things to say to you all after this unexpected hiatus, but this little gem of wisdom is a recent acquisition thanks to actual experience… Toes break and toe nails get ripped off, and it’s just not pretty, my loves.
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So, in this edition of “The Showdown,” I get to take on the pro-Superman side after a viewing of Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Fair warning/disclaimer: I don’t have a ton of experience with the Superman canon; I remember watching The New Adventures of Lois and Clark, but can’t actually recall a single episode; I was an avid fan of Smallville when it was on the WB/the CW (but failed to watch the last two seasons… because as long as I do not watch them, the show is technically not finished… it’s a weird me thing); there was also the animated Superman series that used to run with other WB afternoon delights such as Pinky and the Brain, the Animaniacs, and the animated Batman series… but that was an addition that I didn’t really see a lot of (not really sure why, and I don’t really want to spend money on more therapy sessions to dredge up the repressed memories); and, last but not least, I have seen the animated films Superman: Doomsday and Justice League: A New Frontier. All of this is the source of my Superman lore and knowledge, plus this film and its immediate antecedent, Man of Steel. Ye be warned.
So, what exactly makes Superman the hero to back in this film? Well, it’s all in the name really; he’s Superman, so it’s not like we can conclude that he’s anything other than the absolute best, right? That would be like saying that Mr. Incredible is entirely credible, and Frozone is totally hot! Ridiculous statements, just as I said! But for those of you who clearly cannot distinguish the average and inferior from the superior, here’s a list of Supe’s attributes that mark him as the best darn hero ever.
- That jaw: I mean, you could cut diamonds on the rugged, yet sculpted perfection of that single line of steel!
- Those eyes: going from sultry, soulful, and earnest blue to fiery crimson balls of death, it’s no wonder he’s a lady killer!
- That hair: I mean, it doesn’t even get mussed in arid desert wind or during frigid mountain treks! His hair stylist must make a fortune in product endorsements because nary a strand dares to slide out of place whilst fighting to the figurative death! Plus, that lucky someone gets to run their fingers through those luscious ebony locks on a daily basis… So jealous!!
- Those abs: So much rippling, muscly goodness here. I mean, my brain cells just short circuit at the mere memory of that—
- That suit: Because only Superman could make yards of blue and red spandex look that good! There’s no air-brushing or digital manipulation here, folks! Just six feet plus of all American, Grade-A hunk!
- The lack of gadgets: who needs a Bat Tank or the Bat plane when you can be your own flight crew and demolition team?
- Henry Cavill: I mean, come on, people. He pulls off playful and innocent with a side of man-pain (The Count of Monte Cristo), but can also do smoldering bad-boy/best friend to the King with a side of man-pain (The Tudors)! It’s a (literally) panty-melting combination! Who really needs the x-ray vision at that point?
After all that, can you really argue that any hero other than Superman is the ultimate superhero? The best of the best? The creamiest, dreamiest cream of the vigilante crop? The epitome of crime fighting gloriousness? (Yeah, I didn’t think so!)