The Showdown: Team Batman

Good evening, and welcome to our second installment of The Showdown! For this post J.J. and I watched (for the first time) Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. As evidenced by the title, I represent Team Batman. Now, I feel like I shouldn’t have to say anything to support my side other than: He’s Batman. However, I realize I owe it to you, dear readers, to put out a fiercely passionate argument worthy of being called a showdown!

Disclaimer: I loath Superman. Admittedly, I am incapable of being unbiased towards this character. I just really, really HATE him. But this post isn’t about why I can’t stand Superman.

This post is about why Batman is clearly the winner in this 183 minute ode to man pain/longest dick measuring contest ever recorded.

Ben Affleck’s Ass-ets:
After we get past the apparently obligatory baby Bruce losing his parents and falling into a bat cave portion of the movie, we get to see grown up Bruce driving in a fancy car. My exact response was, “Holy shit, when did Ben Affleck get hot?!” up until now he has not been what I would consider attractive. But you know what they say, the suit makes the man, and Gucci definitely proved that statement true. The tailor made waistcoat really accentuated Affleck’s broad shoulders and narrow waist, and the pants…I don’t know that I’ve seen a man’s ass look so good in a pair of pants since Gerard Butler in The Phantom of the Opera (you know the ones I’m talking about, don’t pretend you don’t.).

But honestly, superb costuming aside, the real nail in the coffin here is the shirtless-I’m-in-so-much-man-pain-workout scene. He is so perfectly muscled with just the right amount of chest hair. I want to get rid of my washing machine and just use his abs instead. His pecks are absolutely perfect, and don’t resemble man boobs in the slightest.

The same cannot be said for Superman. When he was shirtless I was a bit confused by what I was seeing. I was like, “why is there a close up of these ridiculously hairy lady boobs?”…it was very disconcerting.

Batman is ruggedly handsome. He has just the right amount of stubble, a bit of grey hair at his temples (giving him a very distinguished look), and, even though he’s getting a bit old to be a leading man, he’s kept himself in impeccable shape. It’s remarkable he looks this doable after having 3 kids. Good job, Ben.

But, seriously, Batman:
Now, I know I could go into character development or actual issues that were dealt with in the movie. There just weren’t any of those things.

Honestly, this movie lacked any real plot and the “conflict” lasted all of two minutes. None of the fight scenes were really satisfying and I was left with the lady equivalent of blue balls due to the complete and utter lack of anything resembling a climax.

Be excellent to each other and geek on,
Michelle Renée


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